Etiquette- The rules of behaviour

Everyone knows a class act when they see one. The challenge is to be one yourself. So we decided to ask one of the classiest people we know for his rules about how gentlemen ought to behave. Author and hotelier Aman Nath reflects on handwritten notes, awkward introductions and a culture of excess.

1. Women: Should always come first. Libbers may feign to hate this ‘inequality’ which prioritises them in the gender bias that they have long complained about. But I don’t just give them preference because they are traditionally the fairer sex or because they are weaker, but because I think that they are Mother Goddesses, progenitors of Creation. One should honour them almost instinctively.

2. Correspondence: It is still most elegant to hand write a personal note, however 19th century it may seem. In this context, fountain pens will never be out of date, even though maintaining them certainly is out of date. Butnew nib technologies exist, presenting free- flowing possibilities to express yourself. And handwritten pages can be scanned and sent, if you want to communicate intimately. Ratan Tata wrote me and I cherish that. A mail would have been soulless. Mails will never catch up in etiquette unless mankind loses the handwriting habit completely.

3. Dress code: There’s a saying in the Punjab which goes ‘Wear as the world wants, but eat as you wish’. As adolescents we tend to do the reverse. I wore the first bell bottoms at St. Stephen’s College in 1968, yellow and frayed at the edge because I was dressing as I wanted to—rebelling against no one but myself. And this youthful, liberated assertion went on to smoke pot— once—or consuming what my little world wanted me to. Today I can’t be pushed to eat, drink, smoke what I don’t want and I think that elegance in the dress code doesn’t come from any brand—but from one’s own identity, or from simplicity, the best of all styles.

4. Conversations: You can’t and mustn’t tell your life story to everyone you meet. As Voltaire said, ‘The secret to bore someone is to tell everything’! But the précis of a précis of a précis won’t help either—too much listening does not a good conversation make. Sharp, pertinent questions followed by the patience to listen is the way to go. When you find a good conversationalist, the ping-pong of good banter is unmatched.

5. Gifts: Receiving gifts is always exciting but they do create clutter in a world where we possess and consume much more than we should. The best gifts are books you’ve enjoyed and know that the recipient will relate to. It’s this sixth sense of preempting or searching out the tastes or needs of friends which makes a memorable gift.

6. Entertaining: A subtle and refined art. If one doesn’t have the time or inclination, one shouldn’t throw dustbin dinners just to pay back for obligations, inviting no matter who is passing through. And creating an interior-decorated home just to entertain also almost never impresses the guests. A good guest list, balancing good conversationalists, with content, connoisseurs of cuisine; friends mixed with people you may need to cultivate—this works out well. The same company is boring—you have to listen to the same stories in different versions and exaggerations.

7. Travel: A simple hello and introduction in a plane or a train will ease whatever uneasiness hangs between two strangers put within each other’s space. No need to continue a conversation, there is no such obligation, but great discoveries and commonalities emerge. How else does one break out from one’s restricted circles ?

8. Interiors: Shouldn’t be intimidating. A home should be welcoming. Your warmth, personality and work should impress. Just as colours are about beauty, in a country like India they can also be aggressive. In Rajasthan, a nobleman from Udaipur once explained the merits of using white. Besides being hygienic and cool, he had said ‘It’s the guest who brings colour to your house’ I can’t think of a more civilized way to receive visitors.

9. Introductions: Eventually, it’s so much easier and less stressful to introduce friends, and acquaintances by saying ‘Do introduce yourselves’ rather than tax your evening memory. Normally one doesn’t invite total strangers to the house. A shared conversation (even on the phone) connects us to why they are there. “She’s the famous botanist hunting orchids in Arunachal”, or “He is writing a travelogue through Rajasthan.”

10. The special Indian etiquette of thrift & charity
When the wealthy find it necessary to demonstrate their “arrival” with social excesses involving a waste of limited resources, my reaction is instinctively adverse. Anyone born in India, especially someone who travels in the rural areas and observes how plastic bucket holes are repaired with leather patches, can’t contribute to waste. Moderation and simplicity are Indian virtues. Gandhi outdressed Emperor King George V by far. We in India must show better balance when we consume, entertain and travel so that we can save and share with those multitudes of less fortunate people. We must be more sensitive and shun showing off socially. This is rule No. 1 of all Indian etiquettes.