Get a handle on your regrets

Regret (noun). A feeling of sorrow, repentance, or disappointment… about a mistake you have made and a wish that it could have been different and better. Almost every one of us has suffered from regret; some regrets we can wash away, some stick to us like dandruff.

Getting a handle on regret is imperative, or it could control your life. "It's natural to look back at the past, at things gone wrong, but the feeling needn't necessarily be a garment-rending, self-flagellating emotion," says Michael Craig Miller, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

"People don't resist change, they resist transition," says Anil Sharma, COO, Linkage, an organisational development and leadership training company. "I often recommend the William Bridges transition model to all our clients dealing with pangs of regret." The model outlines three phases for handling remorse/regret. The first is about accepting your loss. The second is a neutral zone, a period of confusion where you're still anxious and uncertain but not totally unsure. The third is about making new beginnings.

"It's important to spend sufficient time in the neutral zone to be able to heal. Defining and listing your losses, seeking mentorship, and spending time with your family could help you overcome the sense of regret," says Sharma. Miller however cautions against hindsight bias. Instead of ruminating over what might have been, let what happened point the way, he says. Regret need not undermine your self-confidence. "Rather, it might help you prioritise your investments in relationships, service to the community, as well as help you set reasonable financial goals."

Dr Praveen Gupta, Consultant, Neurology, Artemis Health Institute, says: "List out the positive aspects that led you to take those decisions. Listening to music or watching a cricket match could prove to be great distractions in combating the emotion." Sharma echoes his sentiments. "I often meet employees who're unhappy and confused about decisions and I always ask them: what is it that you like doing the most? I've often seen employees leaving cushioned jobs to chart out their own chosen paths and they've been extremely successful." So list out your regrets and the learnings from them. Then toss away the regret and put the learning to use.

REGRET, BUT RECOVER

• Use regret to improve decision making.
• A loss usually triggers a three-phase reaction — (i) acceptance (ii) confusion and analysis (iii) making a new beginning.
• Spend sufficient time in phase two.
• While evaluating a decision, list out the positives.
• Beware of hindsight bias. Don't be harsh on yourself.
• Seek mentorship from seniors as perspective helps.
• Spend quality time with family and friends.