10 awards that will never be given

Silly season is upon us, and the awards are being handed out left and right—to entrepreneurs, enterprises, politicians, just about anybody in the public eye. So, we thought we’d join in with a few nominations of our own. Now only if we could find a host for the ceremony...

Most Delusionary ‘De-merger’ Idea: Captain Gopinath. For insisting that he is willing to ‘buy back’ Deccan Aviation from Vijay Mallya—never mind that the low-cost airline had already merged into Mallya’s Kingfisher.

Petroleum Chic: Mukesh & Nita Ambani. For giving humble but precious crude oil the champagne-like status it deserves.

Filmy Performance of the Year: Jet Airways’ Naresh Goyal. For announcing, tears in his eyes, that the spirit of his mother persuaded him to take back the 1,900 Jet employees, whom he—sorry, his management—had fired two days earlier. The Award for Taking Others Down with You: Telecom Minister A. Raja. For dragging the Prime Minister into a Rs 5,000-crore scam by announcing on television that he was in the loop when telecom licences and spectrum were being doled out for a song.

Most Dedicated Follower of Fashion: Former Home Minister Shivraj Patil. For changing his outfit three times in a day, while Delhi was exploding. Now that’s dedication.

Most Successful Bailout: P. Chidambaram. For making the home ministry more productive and attractive, especially for his critics who think he’d long lost the plot in the finance ministry.

Most Bashful Maiden: MTN of South Africa. For being wooed by Sunil Mittal, and then Anil Ambani, but still not walking to the altar.

Making Hay: First Global’s Shankar Sharma. For being one of the first to predict a bear market, when punters were still raving about the long-term India story, and emerging as an anti-hero of sorts in the process.

Resilience: The Great Indian Middle Class. For coping with the slowdown after five years of conspicuous consumption, malls, multiplexes and weekend luxury resorts.

Showing How Seriously Awards Should Be Taken: The management of Satyam Computer. For winning a series of excellence in corporate governance awards in the recent past, and then proposing two outrageous acquisitions of two real estate and construction companies owned by the promoters. (The shareholders protested, and the deal was called off).

Do you have a nomination to make? E-mail it to letters.bt@intoday.com